In the big wild world

Cheering each other on

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

I’m a big fan of a neuropsychologist named Rick Hanson, Ph.D. He’s the founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, a contributor to Huffington Post and PsychologyToday.com, and one of those all-around smart-as-hell kind of guys.

What's good in others? If you look at what they're giving, you will find it. (Image: Amy Spencer

A few months ago I went to a seminar he held about the neuroscience of positive thought and happiness and learned more in those eight hours than I would have watching eight hours of one of the The Real Houseswives Of… marathons. Go figure. But I mention Rick today because of something in his weekly newsletter called “Just One Thing” that caught my eye today.

I know that as a dater, it’s typical to walk away from a date thinking either, “What a waste, I could have spent the night watching reality TV” or “That guy or girl was totally playing me.” Either way, you come home from meeting them feeling worse about yourself and dating than you did before you went out! But Rick Hanson reminds us the importance of recognizing good qualities and intentions in others. As he writes in his most recent Just One Thing newsletter:

Unfortunately, if you feel surrounded by lots of bad or at best neutral qualities in others, and only a sprinkling of dimly-sensed good ones, then you naturally feel less supported, less safe, and less inclined to be generous or pursue your dreams. Plus, in a circular way, when another person gets the feeling that you don’t really see much that’s good in him or her, that person is less likely to take the time to see much that’s good in you.

Seeing the good in others is thus a simple but very powerful way to feel happier and more confident, and become more loving and more productive in the world.

I love this. It’s a reminder that no relationship should be taken for granted. Everyone we meet is someone worth paying attention to, giving credence to, learning from. As Rick says, “See the good in others.” We’re all trying to get by in this crazy world, right? And when it comes to dating, we’re all looking for that wonderfully well-suited other half. By paying attention to the good in others—their positive qualities, the parts that make us smile—it puts our attention where it should be, and keeps our focus on the happy angles that count. The more you appreciate others, the more you’ll tune into the good in yourself and the good in life. And that’s where your half-orange will be.

You might also like:
30 Rock: Are You a Cranky Cow?

Big love,

Posted in In the big wild world, It is written, Optimisms | No Comments »

How to Be Happy: It’s Easy!

Friday, June 11th, 2010

My sister found this on Facebook, and all I could think was: I have to share this with my dating optimists! Here, your short-cut formula on how to be happy:

What works in life works in love, and vice versa. So ask yourself this same question about your dating life, your single status or about the so-so, on-off, kinda-sorta person you’ve been seeing lately. Are you happy? Do you want to be?

You know what to do in your heart. You know that if you’re stuck in destructive patterns that it’s up to you to wise up and change what you’re doing. The key now is to do it. Do what makes you happy and you will create a change in your brain and your being that people will read a mile away. The happier you are, the truer you’ll be to yourself, and the better chance you have of meeting your half-orange and knowing he or she is right for you when you do.

Big love,

Tags: happy
Posted in In the big wild world, It is written, Optimisms | 2 Comments »

Make the Most of Your Middle!

Thursday, June 10th, 2010

When we have a goal, it’s easy to get so caught up in reaching it, we forget to live and love the moments we have now.

As Mr. Schuester said: Don't ignore the middle.

It happens while you’re heading to vacation (forgetting to enjoy the excitement of the journey there) it happens when you’re saving up money to buy a car (and forget to enjoy some before you get it). And it happens in dating, when you’re so anxious to see your happy ending, you forget to enjoy your single life on the way there.

This week’s Glee finale pegged this idea. Their teacher, Will Schuester, hated how depressed the kids were about Regionals (which is a singing competition, for you non-Gleeks), which wasn’t looking promising. They felt if they weren’t going to win, why compete? It’s like you may feel in love: If you’re not going to meet the right guy or girl tomorrow, why the hell are you even bothering?

Because of the “Journey,” Mr. Shue wrote on the blackboard. Actually, it was a white board, and I appreciated that his handwriting was almost as bad as mine. But then he gave this little speech:

“One day,” he said, “all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us, will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone’s name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got, or didn’t get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it.”

Think back to your high school days. It’s happened, hasn’t it? Much of it is a hazy memory and you do forget some people’s names. And I’m here to tell you that if you walk through your life today focused on nothing but the person you want to meet in the end, the same will happen in ten years about aspects of your life today!

Do you want to think back on this time and have hazy memories of sitting on the couch pouting? Of being tense about being alone? Of waiting by a phone for someone to call? No! You want to look back and have bursting memories of your single life! Of times you and your friends took the town for a night or whisked away for a weekend. Of times you learned to speak Spanish and make pies and flew to surprise your family for an anniversary party. Of times laughing and living and learning about yourself.

Life is, like Mr. Schue says, a whole lot of middle. And I care about you too much to let you not make the most of it. Start today: Make the most of your middle.

Then tell me: What do you notice? What do you feel? What’s great about your life right now that you were forgetting to appreciate?

You might also like:
How to Live in the Moment
Are You Indentured to the Future?

Big love,

Posted in In the big wild world, Optimisms | 2 Comments »

The Big Wedding Test: Acceptance, Love & Kindness

Monday, June 7th, 2010

A friend of mine is getting married soon, and it reminds me how much I learned about relationships in the days between dating and “I Do.” And I think it can help you to think about one particular element of this as you seek your half-orange.

I consider myself a really laid back girl. The only time that my laidbackness stood up and screamed was when I was planning my wedding.

It started off so chill, it really did. We booked our barefoot-on-the-beach-in-Mexico locations over the internet, signed up a mariachi band and hoped the tequila would blur any parts of the event that went wrong. (And, oh, did it.) But part way through the wedding planning process, “it” hit. The “it” that makes Bridezillas a ratings baby hit me, too. And I’ll tell you what that “it” is: pressure. A whole big pile of pressure sitting on one person’s shoulders.

As embarrassed as I am to say so, I found myself more than a few times curled up and sobbing in the fetal position. Not because I cared what color flowers we had or what brand of tequila (duh, the best!), but because I was overwhelmed by having to plan an event for the strangest audience ever: I mean, what food, music and drinks do a 7o-year-old from Florida, a 32-year-old fashionista from NYC and an 8-year-old kid from Connecticut really have in common?

Here's me and the hubby on the Playa del Carmen beach. Will he hold your hand through tough choices?

What saved me was my now-husband. He was a gift through it all. He affirmed that we were making the right choices. He said he was grateful for the hard work I was putting into planning. And he pitched in and gently made decisions I couldn’t make myself. That’s when I figured out the secret point of a wedding: If you can survive the wedding planning with acceptance, love and kindness toward each other, you have a great chance of surviving the marriage itself.

Now, I know not everyone necessarily wants to get married, but I think a future event or big life decision like this is worth thinking about as you meet and date: When you look at the person sitting across from you, ask yourself: “How would he or she be through those big decisions? In planning a commitment with each other, creating a home together, building a family, getting the flat tire fixed on a road trip through Italy?” Can you picture this partner at your side, offering acceptance, love and kindness?

Tune into your orange seed on your dates, and see if you feel that acceptance, that love, that kindness. That’s what really counts. Oh, and so does good tequila:

We double-fist beers for the one we love!

You might also like:
The House Hunt: The Gunk and the Good

Big love,

Posted in Being yourself, In the big wild world, Optimisms | 1 Comment »

Your “Pretty” Love Place

Friday, May 28th, 2010

I was listening to an old Astrud Gilberto album yesterday when I heard a song that really spoke to me. It had such a powerfully optimistic message that I want to pass it on to you. The song is called “Lugar Bonita,” which means “Pretty Place.”

Your pretty place—in love—is ahead of you. (Image: AS)

While I’d heard this song tens of times before, this time I was really listening to the words and I was moved by her optimism. These are the words of a woman moving forward on a path, not knowing exactly what’s at the end, but knowing it will be a pretty place, a happy ending. You can be this woman! (And guys, you can, too!) It just takes saying these same hopeful words enough that you really believe them.

If you have three minutes and nineteen seconds, put on some headphones, close your eyes (or stare at your computer and pretend to be working) and listen to what she’s singing.

Astrud is right:

On the road of life I travel, looking forward, never back,
Looking to that dream before me, leaving old dreams in my track.

Lugar bonita, bonita, it’s a pretty place, I know.
Lugar bonita, bonita, at the end of this road.

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The Jazz Effect: Take a Risk!
No More Drama

Big love,