Here, dating optimists, is the ballet of long-lasting love you’re looking for:

Let this be a great visual reminder of what you can think about when you focus on your future half-orange: a relationship in which you feel you fit together as a great team, in which you’re working toward the same happy life and taking gentle care of each other along the way.

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The Complete Love Strategy

Big love,

Coach Taylor's advice works for all of us. (Image: NBC)

Gus and I have only seen three episodes so far, but we’re loving it. And loving Kyle Chandler—remember him from Early Edition? I used to watch that show over a decade ago, when he got the one-day-ahead edition of the newspaper and then spent his whole day trying to stop all that bad news from happening. Kyle’s even better in this, as Eric Taylor, the new coach of the number one Texas high school football team, the Dillon Panthers. And every time he needs to give his team a pep talk, he closes with a line I think we would all do better in life to follow:

“Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.”

It’s just like dating. Because those two short steps can lead you just where you want to go in love. Here’s how:

How to have clear eyes: Pay attention to the person you’re meeting. Really see them for who they are—not who they dress like, who they act like, the job they’re in, the car they drive. Don’t let one or three glasses of Sauvingnon Blanc get you too tipsy on a date to miss how you interact with one another on a real, personal level. If you say, for example, you’re looking for a relationship and would like to be married with kids someday, pay clear attention to what they say and do next. Things like sweating brows and laughter, or saying things like, “Yeah, I’m just seeing where life takes me,” or “Now? Geez, I’m nowhere near ready for that” are big signals. If you want a relationship (yes, now), and the person across from you does not, then they are not the right person for you right now. Clear eyes will let you see things like this. Open your eyes, open your ears and let people tell you who they are.

How to have a full heart: Come to your dates with a big heart. Focus on how your heart feels when you’re with people you meet. It’s easy to get so used to the dating game that it becomes like a work To-Do list: Email three times to set up a date, meet for one hour, ask these questions, judge on these criteria. But the connection you will make with your other half—your half-orange—will be one from your heart. It will be true and full and real, and the only way you can tune into that connection is by focusing on it. Don’t let practicality and busy schedules and crazy fun times drown out the sound of your heart. Come into your dates and interactions with your heart full and ready and tune into how it feels.

What Coach Taylor tells his team works for all of us in life and love: Come at your next dates with clear eyes and a full heart, and whether you find love today or not, you can’t lose. You will be led in the right direction, toward the right person.

As I head back into the next episodes of the show, get your Friday nights lighting up in the best ways, too.

Big love,

Julia and Sarah Braverman, who hang out for girl's night. (Image: NBC.com)

The scene: Sarah (Lauren Graham) walked into her lawyer sister Julia (Erika Christensen)’s office and announced she had a new plan. This is what Sarah said:

“I made a New Year’s resolution, one I can really keep. I have decided, I am never going to date anyone. ever. again. Right? Because I want to have fun this year, and my relationships are not fun. Ergo, to wit, don’t have any. (I’m using a little legal jargon there for your comfort.) I’m gonna do fun things. I’m gonna go to museums and, uh, you know, read more. I’m gonna have a girl’s night out with my sister.”

The girl’s night out ended up being a funny wine-fest in (followed by a morning in the kitchen that made me laugh out loud when Sarah said “We’re flavored-coffee-drinking losers!”). And Sarah didn’t change her feelings about dating during the episode. So what did I like about it?

I liked the wise idea to take the focus off of dating for a minute. The way I see it, your path toward love isn’t about the guy or girl you want in it; it’s about you. Don’t just find three people who will go out with you and schedule some quick dates for next week; instead, make sure you’re in a place where you are mad happy with who you are and excited about the prospect of sharing your awesome life with someone before you go on those three dates!

Sarah was just burned by love and may not be able to come at dating with an open mind just yet. But she has a great idea here. If you’re not wildly in love with your life yet—if you’re not giddy about the person you are and certain that the right guy or girl will be lucky as hell to be with you—then find a way to fall in love with your life. Do fun things. Go to a museum. Read more. Knit. Box. Mountain climb. Dance. Learn Italian. Volunteer. Go out with your friends to places you’re not likely to meet someone (uh, senior citizens Bingo night, anyone?) so you don’t feel the pressure to work it.

Find a way to feel damn great about who you are and what’s coming down the pike in love and you’ll attract your half-orange faster, and be ready as ever for them when you meet.

Right? Is there anything you can think of that you could do this week that would make you feel happier with your life? What would make you feel so proud of you, you couldn’t wait to date a great person to tell them all about it?

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Big love,

What's Saul doing now? (Image: ABC.com)

Now, I haven’t always been a fan of Saul (played by Ron Rifkin). He just always seemed to cause some kind of trouble, didn’t he? He was always making the wrong choices at Ojai Foods, or doing deals on the side he wasn’t supposed to be doing, or having meetings he wasn’t supposed to be having. My husband, who would often overhear the show from another room, would walk in, see that people were crying and ask, “Oh, geez, was it Saul? What did he do now?” and I’d laugh, explaining that yes, Saul had shaken things up again.

But this week, I loved Saul for the struggle he’s been going through and the way he bounced out of it. Saul, you see, is a sixty-something man who recently came out as gay and also found out he is HIV positive. This week, he went on a few dates with a man he really likes—Charlie, played by the Seventh Heaven dad, who I love—but was too scared to reveal his HIV status. Saul’s nephew Kevin and Kevin’s husband Scotty (played by Matthew Rhys and Luke MacFarlane, respectively) suggest that Saul tell him and get it over with. So, Saul reveals his secret, but Charlie backs away, not wanting to have to watch Saul get sick like his last partner.

The moment I loved was hearing Saul explain how he felt about it. As he told Kevin and Scotty:

“Come on, if you hadn’t had pushed me, I’d probably still be standing at the edge of that cliff, afraid to jump. So I jumped, I hit the rocks, it hurt like hell and I’m still standing.”

Kevin and Scotty push for more, but Saul insists:

“I’m fine. I’m better than fine. Look, I realized how lucky I am, okay? Charlie’s lover died, I’ve been symptom free for probably thirty years, and we know that could change, right? So the next time I’m on the edge of that cliff, I’ll probably leap even faster, just keep pushing me. I could always use a little shove.

Getting stuck on that cliff happens in dating all the time, right? Maybe you like someone and you don’t know how to make a move. Maybe you have a crush on a friend of yours, but you fear ruining the friendship by saying so. Maybe you’ve had a few dates and because the phone calls and texts are so erratic, you can’t tell where you stand with them. Hey, that’s dating. But there is a potential problem with all of these scenarios: When you’re stuck all alone on The Cliff of the Confused, you get stalled by fear, and you may find you don’t open yourself up to anyone else because  dealing with your unresolved “relationship.” How do you know you’re stuck?

Signs you’re stuck on The Cliff of the Confused:

1. You check your phone for messages or texts from the person you like, and the messages aren’t there more often than they are.

2. You feel like you have to work hard at coming up with irrational ways to involve the person you like. Like, “Ooh, maybe I’ll call him to and say my company needs the recipe of those burger buns he said his cousin made once.”

3. Your friends have devolved into responding, “Uh huh” or “Yep” when you circle the same rationalizations about this same dating situation (again)—or someone finally just says, “Just do it already!”

See, when you’re stuck on The Cliff of the Confused, you’re so busy checking your texts, and talking about the person and working so hard to be around them, you don’t even notice the cute new single person who was smiling at you at the party.

I’m not saying that every time you like someone you should take the leap and lay a big ol’ smacker on them right away. But if you feel like you’re treading water with someone, maybe it’s time to resolve where you stand once and for all. Free yourself from the questions of “Does he or doesn’t he?” “Would she or wouldn’t she?” and “What if…?” Take the leap off and find out! Maybe, like Saul, you’ll jump, hit the rocks and it’ll hurt like hell. But you’ll notice too that you’re still standing and that you may actually feel lighter for the leap. Because at least now you know.

The right love doesn’t make you feel like you’re on a cliff all alone. Your half-orange is either up there with you, or down below ready to catch you when you jump. So do yourself a favor and when you’re getting dizzy up there, remember this and take the leap. We could all sometimes use a little shove.

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Big love,

I heart this show. And so will you. (Image: Showtime.com)

I get giddy watching Cathy Jameson (Laura Linney) embrace that she can and should be doing all the things she’s ever wanted. She tells off a snotty high school student (an awesome Gabourey Sidibe). She does cartwheels down the high school hallway where she teaches. And in one scene, she lies outside in her yard completely naked, like a woman she’d seen doing the same. (On a crazy-related note, check out my essay about learning to be comfortable with being naked in this month’s Health magazine.)

When Cathy’s husband finds her there, she brings up a memory of being afraid to go topless on a French beach because she thought she was ugly. But later, seeing photos of herself from that time, she realizes:

“I was pretty cute back then. But I didn’t feel it.”

How often does this happen, right? We think we’re not thin or curvy or buff or hot enough, and yet in a few years, we look back on photos of ourselves and realize how great we really looked! Like Cathy in The Big C, let’s give ourselves the gift of hindsight right now:

Imagine yourself in 10 years and look back at who you are now. What do you see? Is your 10-years-younger self cuter than you remember? Is your 10-years-younger self happy? Or is your 10-years-younger self wasting a lot of time groaning about themselves or being single when they should be appreciating some of the kick-ass things in their incredible life?

When's the last time you cartwheeled? (Image: Amy Spencer from "The Big C")

Your life is awesome in its own way, right now. And it’s vital that you see this, because once you meet the right person and grow a few years older, you will be different. You will gain or lose weight, you will gain or lose faith. Your living room will probably look different, your lunch order will be new, your workload will have altered, your health may be different and you will look back on your life right now, with a wistfulness, wishing you had appreciated it more.

Give your 10-years-older self the gift of being able to say you appreciated your life as best you could today. Body, attitude and all. Is there anything you can learn to appreciate now? Something your 10-years-older self, in hindsight, would be pretty damn proud of? Why should you, like Cathy, do cartwheels down a hallway?

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Big love,

Even though Bachelor Pad isn’t as good as The Bachelor and The Bachelorette (shows I love so much I want to be buried with an ABC TV so I can keep watching from beyond) I’ve still thoroughly enjoyed the funny drama and antics of it all. Until this week.

They were cheering before they knew how shafted they'd be. (Image: ABC.com)

This was a show about a house where former singles from the former shows could mingle and goof off and hook up and battle each other with wits like a sexy single Survivor. At the end? A prize of $250,000. The rules of the show had the men and women competing for immunity, then voting each other off each week: The men voted off one woman and the women voted off one man. Fair enough. I was down with that. And throughout the show, some of the singles started coupling up. That happens, too. And I liked the competition that was brewing between the singles and the couples. Would the couples team up? Would the cozy couples be ousted by the singles who had more time to plot and prepare? I couldn’t wait to find out. And then the producers went and smacked the singles straight in the face.

Five minutes into the show, Chris Harrison unsympathetically told the group that to even the 4 guys and 7 girls head count, they’d even the playing field and send three girls home. Tension mounted. And I got excited: How would they decide?

Well, they decided in the lamest, grossest, shame-iest way: In a scene out of a school yard sports pick, the boys simply kissed girls they liked and asked them to stay. And since half the group had already coupled off, the men just asked the girls they’d been kissing all along, sending three cool girls who didn’t happen to have partners in the house off to the limos to head home.

Now, I’m an optimist and I like to look for the best in any situation. But this show twist pissed me the hell off. This wasn’t a contest called “Which girls hook up?” This was a competition for $250,000 big ones that could change some contestant’s bank account in a big way. And they let the decision of the final four girls hinge on the hormones of four typical guys? Come on! I cringed when one of the contestants (I think was Tenley) said something like, “Not only did they not find love here, but now they won’t be winning $250,000.” Exactly. And that’s just plain wrong.

Singles get ousted far too much like this in life. I remember one office job where I was often asked to forgo my plans for the plans of the wives and mothers I worked with. “My husband and I have dinner plans,” one would say. Or “I’ve got to get home to the baby.” So there I’d be, cancelling my dinner plans with my friends or cancelling my plans to go home to rest with the remote control because there was work to be finished in the office, and the choices of me as a single woman weren’t deemed as important as those in the coupled up world. And there are plenty of movie plots that revolve around some woman needing to show how settled they are in life by introducing their new husband or wife to the boss (Aniston’s Picture Perfect and Cameron’s What Happens in Vegas are two), so it must happen to other people, too. I’m sorry, but that just ain’t right. Single people should have just as much clout in this world as couples. If you’re single, you deserve as much of a shot to get a job, have a night to yourself or win $250,000 as the coupled up person next to you!

What should Bachelor Pad have done instead? Let the girls battle it out as individuals! Let the strongest or smartest or quickest decide. Have them race. Make them win a trivia contest about how much they learned about the others in the house. Hell, have the girls do some olive oil wrestling like the guys did on the last round of The Bachelorette. As long as the playing field was even. But to have the fate of these women’s $250,000 resting on what felt like a line-up at a grade school dance? Shame on you, Bachelor Pad. Next time, learn a little something from Survivor, which proves that it doesn’t matter what age, race, job or relationship status you are, because you can win the money at the end of the show if you can outwit and outplay the others. Here’s hoping life will be more like that, too.

I mean…am I wrong on this? Was this just supposed to be fluffy fun? What do you guys think?

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Big love to all my cool singles!

I'm hoping this happy ending with Roberto continues. (Image: Matt Klitscher, ABC)

Sigh. I loved last night’s episode of The Bachelorette. As we’ve all been saying, this was the first time in, like, forever that we would have been happy for both guys to win. And because both guys seemed like such pure-hearted, solid people, they each taught us something valuable about being on both sides of the love coin.

Whether you’re winning or losing in love (and whether or not you’re doing it on a national reality television show) on your path to meet your half-orange, here are four of my favorite quotes from last night on how to do it, which of course made me cry.

The Way to Love

When Roberto proposed, it seemed like he really spoke from his heart, which of course made me cry:

“You told me how important it was to you for your husband to love you unconditionally and to always be by your side no matter what,” said Roberto. “I just…I want to be that man for you. I want to be that man for you. I want to make you laugh, just like this. I want to make you smile. I want to make sure that you wake up every night, every morning for the rest of your life, knowing you’re so so loved.”

The Way to Lose

Chris L's great attitude will lead to a great love. (Image: ABC)

When Ali let Chris go and he looked up to see that rainbow—a sign of his mother looking down on him—it of course made me cry:

“In all this hurt and confusion and what the hell’s going on,” said Chris, “I was like, Wow, that’s just my mom saying, ‘You know what? When you put yourself out there for love, there’s always a chance you’re going to get hurt‘ and I did. I have allowed myself to open up and I’m not good at that, I’m not. And I know she’s like, ‘(clap clap) Good job Chris.’ As much as it sucks losing Ali, I know that’s my mom telling me it’s going to be okay.”

Now, we can’t always know what side of the coin we’ll end up with, which is why love is such a gamble. And so, here’s my favorite insight on…

The Way to Try

As Roberto said…

“Even if there’s the slightest chance that I could end up with her and be happy with her, um, I’ll take it. Even if there’s a chance that I’ll, that my heart will end up broken. I mean, to me, that’s worth it, and I want to take that chance. Ali’s the kind of girl that you take that chance for.”

And while Chris did take that chance and it didn’t work out, remember what he said afterward…

“If I could do it all again,” said Chris, ”I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I just have to learn from it and move on.”

I stand on the side of the fence hoping that Chris will move forward as the new Bachelor. In the meantime, I’ll try to move on from The Bachelorette—and yes, Bachelor Pad will help. Which of course makes me cry. But see? Even in the midst of cheesy television, there is some truth about life. Love’s tough, it’s always a gamble, but it’s worth going for in the end.

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Big love,

Learn from Jake and Vienna's undone relationship (Image: ABC.com)

As I watched them tell their sides of the story, I so wished that each of them were handling the relationship—and breakdown of it—differently. Yes, Jake seemed controlling and appeared to be hiding something darker behind that smirk; and Vienna, for her part, seemed steam-rolley and not entirely honest about her desires to end up famous in L.A. herself. But the truth is, what he said and what she said isn’t important. Who’s “right” isn’t important. Because a healthy relationship isn’t about being right, it’s about being happy.

I point this out because I’ve seen and heard from halves of couples who have experienced their own head-butting and total communication breakdowns who see that not as a deal breaker, but as a necessary part of navigating a relationship. Couples will drag themselves back through the same relationship hellfire with the same partner or others determined to stick it out and settle down. “Relationships are hard,” they say. “It takes work.” Sure, it takes work, and they can be hard to upkeep. But not as hard as last night. So what I say is that if you’re not married, you deserve more than putting up with your own Jake & Vienna breakdown…and so do Jake and Vienna!

You deserve a relationship in which you feel heard, respected and appreciated. You deserve a relationship in which your partner takes your word for it when you swear you don’t need a GPS to get to your destination, a relationship in which your opinion on where the bed should go in the room is weighed as much as theirs. You deserve a relationship in which your partner listens to you, laughs at your jokes, loves being with you and treats you like the special human being that you are. You deserve it all. So if you’re not feeling that you’ll get it—and that a “break-up special” is in your future—say no to that final rose. There’s so much more out there for you in love and I hope you get it.

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Big love,

Playwright Edward Albee

If you have any special interest in an area of the arts, you might enjoy watching students meeting a master in the field for some personal mentoring of their craft. Artist Olafur Eliasson and singer Placido Domingo were two of the teachers. But my favorite, of course, was the episode when Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Edward Albee met with four young writers to talk about his work.

And wouldn’t you know it, he said something wise enough about life that I had to share it with you. He was talking about one young writer he’d met in the show who left school for a year to tour and write in Paris. When asked if the kid was doing the right thing, Albee joked that he probably wasn’t, but that’s okay.

“I think people should be adventuresome,” Albee said. “I think people should make mistakes. Make the interesting mistakes. The trick is making more interesting mistakes and doing stuff that you may regret, but what’s wrong with that? There’s more regret in what you don’t do than what you do.”

Keep this in mind as you live and date. Date the wrong people, sure, but make them the wrong interesting people who provide you with an experience greater than a big yawn and wanting to crawl into bed early. Dating is all about trial and error, after all. That’s the point! The same way a writer should scrawl down their first draft without stopping to analyze and edit what they’re doing along the way, you, too, should follow your heart and date who feels right and who seems interesting. So what if each one isn’t The One? As Albee says, “What’s wrong with that?”

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Big love,

I’m still sad about the end of Lost. And since, all these days later, I still can’t stop choking up when I think about it, I thought I’d give one final thank you to the show for leaving us with something so powerful to think about. In short, these two words, which can provide a world of peace to all of us: Let go.

Jack was holding it all in. Are you?

Yes, there were many threads left hanging following the finale (in fact, College Humor .com did a hilarious video about the Unanswered Lost Questions). Reviewer Tim Goodman put it this way in The San Francisco Chronicle: “As a series finale it overjoyed the heart and annoyed the brain.” So well said.

What I choose to take from the show is, of course, that big “heart” part. And what I choose to remember are the calm, knowing smiles on the faces of our favorite Lost characters as they sat in the church and went so happily into the light.

For those who didn’t follow the show, the finale revealed that a “sideways” alternate universe on the show was basically Jack’s purgatory. And within it, it was each Lost character’s path to come to their own moving revelation of who they’d been to one another and where they were meant to be. The most moving of these moments, in my opinion, was when Sun and Jin’s understanding settled in while she was getting her ultrasound. (Of course, give me Sun and that “cry now!” Lost music and I’m a goner).

The minute each character recognized their past life, their match, their purpose, you could see the calmness on their faces, feel it coming from their souls: They’d let go. They were giving in to their future. Jack was the last one to figure it out. And when Kate held his face in her hands to welcome him to their destiny, you could see how hard he was fighting it, how unready he was to accept the truth. But when we saw how happy Kate was about it, we knew he’d be in so much more peace if he’d just let go.

So it made me think: What can each of us let go of? In dating, if you’re single, I ask you this:

Can you let go of a past that has hurt you? A past that may have caused you to put your guard up and keep it that way? Let go. The next single man or woman who smiles at you, don’t assume they’re out to hurt you or use you. Let go. Let people in.

Can you let go of the perfect picture you have of your future mate? The image you’ve formed of what he or she looks like, how tall they are, what job they have? Let go. The next person you meet in a romantic way, look into their eyes and heart instead of at their clothes. Let go. See how you feel when you’re with them.

Can you let go of the panic that you might end up alone, forever? That stress you’re holding in your body, that worry you carry in your face? Let go. Give a nod to the universe that what is best for your love life will come as it should. Let go. Your other half is out there and will come your way when you are both ready for one another.

Me, I’m going to keep thinking about what I need to let go of in my life, too. Perhaps I need to let go of my quest for perfection that holds me back with fear when I think I can’t live up to it. Perhaps I can let go of being my own worst critic both physically and emotionally.

Letting go is a step to your happiness.

My point is, we all have things we can let go of. By doing so, by letting go, we’ll all feel lighter, calmer, happier and so much more at peace. If you watch the show, think of the looks on the faces of those Lost characters—how calm and content they were to know that they were just where they were supposed to be. With love and others in their lives. At total peace.

We need to give ourselves up to this world that wants the best for us. Loosen your grip, pay attention, accept what’s meant to be yours. Let go.

Tell me: What do you want to let go of? And how will this help you if you do?

Big love,

..

..

..

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And…if you still have a little Lost fever, watch the Jimmy Kimmel Aloha to Lost episode. And, thanks to my husband, I’m now a fan of The Sports Guy Bill Simmons, who did this podcast, The B.S. Report 5/24, all about the finale.