Nooooo, you’re not dooooooomed!

Mostly because your sense of humor will, as you already know, be your savior. That and your self-awareness. Meaning that you know what your main issue has been in the past, and knowing this can help you focus on choosing better in the future. And let me say, your baggage or problem is not that you love too quickly. Love is great! Feelings are meant to be felt! What’s more important is the part where you say you see the signals of the profoundly wrong men and you ignore them.

As for the guy who just wants to be friends, ooh, girl, how many times did I hear that one from guys myself. I feel like it’s a curse for women who are out to accomplish things and kick ass in life—we seem more like business parters and buddies to people than romantic options right off the bat. But I’m not saying to accomplish less or act like someone who does! Instead, I would suggest you keep being exactly who you are, and then work on this one thing: Accepting a different future than you pictured.

I don’t know if you have my book or read it (the Meeting Your Half-Orange one), but it’s what I talk about on page 57: How I told my Mom that I had decided that I was ready to wait for the right relationship as long as it took. That, essentially, I’d rather wait 10 years for that love of my life and have children another way (get pregnant on my own or adopt), than to settle down with someone who I felt “eh” about just to have someone there. There was something so freeing about making that choice, and for me, this was the major turning point of my love future. Acceptance of a life different than I had pictured for myself.

This is also what a friend of mine did this year, who I’ll call Britta. She was 39 and feeling potentially doomed herself, because she wanted a relationship and she wanted kids. And the pressure to get the first fast enough so she could have the second was wearing on her. So, Britta did what women are doing these days: She made an appointment for a fertility specialist, got things checked out and the thumbs up that she was healthy and ready to conceive, and then she set a date for herself: It was October when she said, “If I haven’t met anyone by March, I will go to the specialist and get myself pregnant.” Then Britta planned a big trip on her own to surf in Costa Rica for two weeks in February, right before she was going to conceive. When she got back, a couldn’t-turn-down work project came up that took her into April, and as she was finishing up her project, she was set up on a date with the guy of her dreams. Well, it took her three dates to realize this, but when she did, she was blown away. Not only was he a perfect match for her, but he had a kid of his own and wanted more kids. True story. And they’re happily in love and working on that baby. Her turning point was the same as mine: acceptance of a life different than the one she pictured for herself.

So I suggest this more than anything. Think about the future you’re picturing, then re-adjust it. See what would happen if life rolled out a different carpet for you. How could you still be happy if it did? If you found out you would meet the love of your life at 38, what would you do right now to be happy until then? The minute we let go of the steel rod we like gripping onto for dear life of exactly the future or person we want, the minute we take a step off of the concrete path we think is leading straight to what we know…that’s when life surprises us and sends us the person we’re actually supposed to be with, and the life that’s even more interesting than the one we’d written up in our heads.

Keep doing what you’re doing and being who you are, laughs and all! But let go of THE PLAN. And find a way to make a statement to yourself that you’re okay with a different route or a new story. Find a way to be happy right now with what you have in front of you, and you’ll not only be happier, but you’ll find yourself attracting more of the people who are right for you. And then, of course, if they send you signals otherwise, pay attention and for goodness’ sake, run!

Big love,

Ask your gut, which I like to think of it as asking if your two major systems see a “Go.” Your gut is like a perfect blend of your emotional half and your logical half. If your emotional half is gung-ho about it, you can check in with your logical half and look at it from that point of view: Is he a good fit for you? Will he keep you safe and look out for your best interests and allow you to be your best self, and be a good partner as you go forward? Do his morals and his drive and plans for life match up with yours?

If you happened to make that Big Love List I wrote about in Meeting Your Half-Orange, where you address how you want to feel in a relationship , go through that list and see if it matches. If you want to feel smart…does he let you feel that way? If you want to feel sexy and funny…does he let you feel that way? If you want to feel protected and safe and taken care of…you get the idea. (If you haven’t made a Big Love List, go to my OPTIMISM WORKSHOP: Your Big Love List and whip one up!)

If your heart is in, now is the time to step back and see if your brain agrees. It may find little things that don’t matter (“I pictured a guy who wore better shoes”), but if it finds things that are more serious (“Hmm, he talks an awful lot about stealing from his friends”) it’s worth a serious debate.

You can know someone is your half-orange pretty quickly. Or, it can take a minute to realize a gem you have in front of you. There is no hard, fast rule on timing. Your gut will know. Ask it.

Amy

Your story about the bad boy and good guy are so familiar — we have all been there, tugging between the two of them, wondering which one’s right for us. Well, I’ll say this: By the sound of it, the bad boy sure isn’t right for you. If he’s not providing the feeling that you’re loved and important and taken care of and special, than forget him. You deserve a good guy like the one you’re talking about. But here’s the shortest answer I’ll give you: Just because one particular guy you’re dating is a good guy does not mean he’s the right good guy.

What I read is that you’ve proven to yourself that you can like a good guy. The fact that you took it five dates far and slept with him and see all the potential for a happy relationship with him? That’s huge! That’s progress! I’ll bet that when you were with the bad boy and saw this guy (or guys like him), you didn’t consider those guys as even options for you. So I say kudos to you for doing those visualizations and imagining how good it would feel to be with someone who actually put you at the top of their list and who considers you special.

That said, you don’t have to settle down with the first good guy who makes you feel that way. There are a lot of good guys out there, and the fact that you’ve started dating one is what I call in Meeting Your Half-Orange “the little green sprout.” The fact that you’ve gotten yourself one big step closer to enjoy the company and picture a future with a guy that treats you well? That’s amazing! Don’t get down because you don’t want to have sex with him again; stay up that you’ve come this far with him in the first place. It’s a sign you’re closer than ever to being ready for the right good guy. Maybe it’s him, but I don’t know.

I mean, just read your own words again: “I am not physically attracted to him. I don’t get excited when he calls and I even though we did have sex finally, after our fifth date, I’m not sure I want to do it again.”

The fact is, there is nothing wrong with you. And while I can’t say whether or not you’ve been looking for the wrong things—or have over the years—it sounds like you know now what is important, and that’s all that matters. As for Lori’s book, she makes some good points about finding the important stuff in a guy, about looking for the yes’es, and I couldn’t agree more. But she also pushes the idea that even if you don’t feel a spark or special about the the person you’re with, maybe it’s worth settling anyway and with that, I couldn’t disagree more.

I know that you’re scared because you’re 38 and you want to be in a relationship, but don’t let fear make this choice for you. Do you really want to marry and have children with a man you don’t want to have sex with more than once? With someone who doesn’t make you want to take his call? If you don’t get excited about going out to dinner with him or kissing him now, then what’s going to get you through the ups and downs of a relationship as time goes on? Determination, I suppose. But that doesn’t sound like a very joyous existence to me. And haven’t you waited this long because you want a relationship that enhances your life, rather than bringing it down?

The point of a relationship is supposed to be to add to your life, to make you even happier than you are when you’re single, to perhaps start a family with someone and have fun along the ride of life together as a team. Otherwise, why get into one? But it sounds to me like this guy—so early in your courtship—already isn’t making you happier. He’s making you have doubts. He’s making you question yourself. He’s making you wonder if there’s something wrong with you because you don’t like him.

The truth is, sometimes even the hot sexy guys who look good on paper don’t cause a spark in us. And I hate seeing awesome, strong, gorgeous women beat themselves up because they can’t “make” the chemistry experiment sizzle, they can’t make the volcano work. And the way I see it, without a spark of something, it’ll be hard to make a relationship work. I’m not saying that your other half needs to look like that bad boy and needs to be physically perfect from the outside, but *something* about him does need to elicit a spark of *something* inside you that makes you feel lucky to be with him.

For those who’ve read Meeting Your Half-Orange, you may remember the story of the girl who was best friends with a guy who was balding and wore concert T-shirts, while she’d always pictured someone with higher-end style. Yet when he kissed her one night, the sparks between them flew, and she now considers him the hottest guy ever. The way she put it was, “I’d look at him and say, ‘I’m so glad it’s you.’” Her friends didn’t necessarily consider this nice guy hot and the general public might not, but for her, he’s the cat’s pajamas, and it’s because of how big his heart is, how he makes her feel, and because their physical chemistry—once they tried it—turned out to be electric.

This guy you’re dating, maybe you will fall in love with who he is on the inside. And maybe he will turn out to be a great match for you. But I don’t want you to torture yourself with trying to find it inside him if it’s just not there. My good guy friend just finally gave himself the gift of ending a relationship with someone he kept “trying” to make it work with. He said “I was so exhausted because I didn’t want to *try* anymore, I wanted to just *be.*” And that’s how the right relationship will make you feel. You’ll enjoy being, instead of working so hard trying.

I can’t tell you what to do, of course. This is your life, your heart, your future. But it sounds to me that you’ve finally figured out how you want to feel in a relationship with a good guy, and it’s just now about summoning the right good guy. If “settling” depresses you, don’t do it. You don’t have to! You know what you want now. You can follow your gut from this place forward.

You don’t have to dive into my book if you don’t want, but the truth is, I wrote it for people precisely like you, because you are now where I was when I was dating. I was tired of beating myself up for not liking the “right” people, I was tired of trying to summon chemistry with good guys, and I was tired of dragging myself around to places where I might meet the right someone. What I did, and what you can do if you’re up for it, is simply begin by realizing you’re not asking for too much. A good guy who you’re also attracted to in some way? That’s simply a combo of two men you’ve dated before, and these men do exist. The guy for you may not be a Versace model hot, but it is possible to be madly attracted to a guy with a kind heart who treats you like gold! You just have to believe that guy does exist. I believe he does for you. Now you just have to believe it. That’s all that optimism is—believing it. Maybe it will grow with this guy, but whatever happens, give yourself permission to feel a true connection. Because that’s what’s going to make you happy in a relationship in the long haul.

—Amy

Hi, P,

Yes! It does. I know it seems a little tough to break through the pronouns of me talking straight to women sometimes, and if I could do it all over again, I would speak directly to you men, too. Because the message itself is for everyone—every gender, every age. The most important element is the science, and the science is the same. The impact that we have with our thoughts on our emotional brains and how this affects our body language and the energy we give out and what we get back from people—it’s universal.

I have heard from a couple guys who said they hard a hard time looking past the female-aimed message. But I’ve heard from more who said they were able to filter that stuff out, and it has totally helped. One guy who read it wrote to say that he started doing some of the things in the book one day (he walked to work, went a new route, spoke to people he normally wouldn’t, and worked up an Orange Buzz) and by the time he got home from work that night, two women he liked were calling and texting him and he was freaking out about how it was clearly all about the new energy he was putting out there. He said that  one day after reading the book, he had changed from feeling tired and defeated in dating to being excited and confident. I also had a married guy friend read it and he’s been using the principles for success in work.

So if you’ve had a rough summer and could use a boost in some way and since you already have the book, I think you should give it a shot. Laugh off the parts that are written directly for women (while also, perhaps, gaining a little insight into the female mind about how we feel and think?) and try to take in the neuroscience and the studies from psychologists. It’s powerful, life-changing stuff and I would love for you to have the chance to get to the meat of it and let it start working for you.

Amy

Aaargh, that sucks! I hate thinking about that stuff: the mysterious guy who is all over you and then—POOF!—disappears. I met so many of that guy throughout my dating years, too, and it’s frustrating as hell.

As for you feeling like any of it has to do with you, you’re not an idiot and there’s nothing you could have done differently in that situation. It’s simply like another level on that crazy game show Wipeout, where you have to get punched a few times on the dating platform to get to the next level.

What I will say is this: You’re too good for letting this one guy knock your game down. You’re so much better than taking some lame loser guy’s opinion of you and letting it color yourself in any way. The only thing you should be thinking about is how you feel about you, no one else. No guys, no friends, no bosses, just what you think of you.

Since you sound like you’re exactly where I was when I was single, it’s time to start thinking about what you can do to make yourself happy this month. For the rest of the month, don’t think about the guys you’re going on dates with, or the guys who aren’t emailing you on Match, or the guys you like but aren’t sure how to make them like you (we women can plot for years on that one!). Instead, think about what you can do in the next month that has nothing to do with guys that will make you gloriously, ridiculously, incredibly, laughably happy. Once you see yourself worth it again, you’ll start attracting the right kinds of guys again and be back on the path to your half-orange.

That’s my advice anyway. If anyone else has any other ideas for T. pass ‘em on!

—Amy

Thanks so much for writing. My short answer: Of course it’s possible to meet your half-orange and have the timing wrong! That’s what happened with me: I knew my now-husband as a kid and dated him briefly in our college years, but I wasn’t near ready for the real thing when I was 20. But it doesn’t mean that if you think this guy is your half-orange, that you should, say, wait around and sit tight for four years until he’s ready to be with you.

As the genius Marianne Williamson says, relationships are assignments. (Note: She talks a lot about God, but believes that every God is who we decide it to be, from a being to an energy in the universe, so if you’re not religious, don’t let that scare you off! Your God can be whomever or whatever you believe.) In her book Return to Love, she says this:

“He appraises who can learn most from whom at any given time, and then assigns them to each other. Like a giant computer, He knows exactly what combination of energies, in exactly what context, would do the most to further God’s plan for salvation. No meetings are accidental.”

In other words, every relationship is meant to teach us something—either about ourselves or life or what we want or what we don’t. And whatever happens with this guy (who you either still think is great, or you’re totally over him by now!) you’ve connected with him for a reason. Maybe it’s to learn that you can feel those sparks and like him with your mind as well. Maybe it’s to help heal your last break-up. Whatever you learn, this relationship is right for you right now and that’s the most you need to know. If he’s meant to be your true other half in life or marriage, that will happen, and you won’t feel like you’re pushing for it or pining for it. The right relationship feels natural, like an extra limb of your body, easy and good for you.

So, I hope that helps. And I thank you for writing and following the blog and reading the book. I hope it has helped in the way you look at who you date and at your perspective in life overall. Just remember that everyone you meet and every experience you have is preparing you for that right relationship. So if this isn’t the big one, it’s a vital step along the path to the big one.

—Amy

Well that’s an odd exchange for sure! In short, I guess I’d say it can’t hurt to email her to apologize, but you shouldn’t expect her to write back with a chipper reply.

I can understand her finding the “hourglass figure” compliment not 100% flattering, but if you were truly complimenting her, I’m surprised it turned out that way. I’m guessing it was a “you had to be there” moment in which perhaps your tone wasn’t coming across the way you meant it. Or, perhaps she had insecurity issues about her figure to start with that led the conversation to go so haywire. I mean…a slap?! That’s very strange. So I’m guessing she thought you were making fun of her or messing with her in some way. That’s what a slap would be for: if she was sensing disrespect. In your version of the story, I don’t feel that you were disrespecting her, but her version might be different. These “He Said She Said” stories are tough!

So, that all said, if it makes you feel better to email her and apologize for inadvertently hurting her feelings, I think you should go ahead and do it. It sounds like one of those things that might eat at you if you don’t. But expect that she might ignore it or even give you another “verbal” slap. Who knows, it could turn out great, but just don’t expect it to. So I’d keep it short and sweet if you send it. Do it for yourself and not for what you expect from her in return.

And I guess this one goes down in your books as a reminder that when you compliment a woman next time, you keep it entirely, completely, utterly positive!

—Amy

Hi T.,

Thanks for writing. What a great question! And I’ve got a short answer for it: There is no time line. I think waiting is a great way to separate this relationship from others by making it clear you take it seriously and want to develop a personal relationship before a sexual one. As far as when to call it, I think it will truly be something that you will know when you get there. The same way that you were able to realize that this guy made waiting worth it, you will get to a point where you realize you’ve waited long enough.

The reason that I can’t give you a specific answer is that if you force yourself to stick to a “this-many-days” or “this-many-weeks” it could feel false by the time you reach your mark, because every relationship develops differently. So by tuning into your gut and how you feel about your personal relationship, I think you’ll better be able to tell you’re ready. They say about love “When you know, you know.” I think the same will happen here.

—Amy

You sound just like my friend Parker! (She’s in the book). I totally get that “just believe it” is so much easier said than done. But the issue isn’t in believing there’s a great guy out there, it’s in believing there’s a guy out there who will like [insert all that negative stuff you said about yourself]. So how do you stay positive? Well, you do a quick review of what makes you so awesomely dateable. It’s time to look at the reasons you would date you.

If you were a guy, why would you date yourself? Just as you would if you were trying to set up a friend of yours with a cute guy, set up yourself. What could you say? Literally take out a Post-It and write 20 reasons. Yes, twenty. I’m talking about “How good my chicken soup is” and “How awesome I am at badminton” and “Well, I am a pretty great kisser.” Be as over-the-top praise-worthy about yourself as you can be, because only you’re seeing this. And this will act like horse blinders for those plaguing doubts—doubts are not allowed in this exercise. Because when you’re focusing on the great stuff about you, it will start to be more logical that a great guy out there might be into you. Who wants to date a woman like that? Smart people, that’s who.

The point is, we each have the ability to focus on whatever we want in life, no matter our situation. Focus on the good stuff, and you’ll be surprised how much there is.

I hope that helps and I wish you the best in continuing to work on all this. Remember: it all starts with you. It’s not about the guys, it’s about you. If you believe you’re worth dating, then you’ll be able to believe there’s a guy out there smart and lucky enough to snag you.

Best,

Amy

Wow, I so know that sickness in your stomach you got from seeing your friend move on—and also from feeling a well of regret that perhaps she did so without knowing how you felt. I think, in the big picture, there is nothing to regret about sharing how you feel about someone. I have been through a few of those “had feelings for good friends” relationships, and for me, none of them panned out. But boy, did I spend years working on that whole panning thing.

In retrospect, the moments I am most proud of in those friendships are the times I came out with it, confessed my feelings and was honest. One of them played out like a movie scene on a NYC street corner with me crying my heart out asking why he didn’t love me back. The next day, I had a moment of “Uh oh, that was embarrassing,” but that passed quickly when I realized how utterly free I felt. There was nothing left to be said! I’d put it out there and now it was ours to work with.

The way I see it, the worst thing we can all have in our relationships with others is uncertainty. Those moments or months of not knowing. That’s what wastes our time and our energy as we try to navigate what we don’t know. I hope that now, as you say you feel more positive and more in control having read the book, this does help you. I’m glad it made you write that email. For whatever happens, at least now you know where you stand. Either you’ll just be friends for now, or her eyes will be opened. Either way, you win! You get to move forward knowing where you stand with this one person.

And, hey, if she’s not into you, you can use your energy opening up to the rest of the world and a woman who does want to love and adore you and feel the way about you that you did your friend. Also, you also never know how life works; even if it doesn’t happen now, life can put you two in one another’s paths again when it’s more right. Who knows, right? That’s the joy of it all, that you can’t force feelings with people, but you can control how you feel and who you are. And you being positive and happy in life right now, regardless, is the best thing you can do.

I hope that through the book, you, like I learned to do, to keep living in the moment and be happy for now, not the future. That you can be open to the right love for you, not just one particular person you might hope it to be. You may hit bumps along the road, but now you know there’s a reason for that and a lesson in life and love to be learned from it. Each person we meet takes us one step closer to the person we should best be for our half-orange relationship. And we still have the ability to control the way we see and feel about what happens to us. So here’s to choosing optimism.

—Amy