Julia and Sarah Braverman, who hang out for girl's night. (Image: NBC.com)

The scene: Sarah (Lauren Graham) walked into her lawyer sister Julia (Erika Christensen)’s office and announced she had a new plan. This is what Sarah said:

“I made a New Year’s resolution, one I can really keep. I have decided, I am never going to date anyone. ever. again. Right? Because I want to have fun this year, and my relationships are not fun. Ergo, to wit, don’t have any. (I’m using a little legal jargon there for your comfort.) I’m gonna do fun things. I’m gonna go to museums and, uh, you know, read more. I’m gonna have a girl’s night out with my sister.”

The girl’s night out ended up being a funny wine-fest in (followed by a morning in the kitchen that made me laugh out loud when Sarah said “We’re flavored-coffee-drinking losers!”). And Sarah didn’t change her feelings about dating during the episode. So what did I like about it?

I liked the wise idea to take the focus off of dating for a minute. The way I see it, your path toward love isn’t about the guy or girl you want in it; it’s about you. Don’t just find three people who will go out with you and schedule some quick dates for next week; instead, make sure you’re in a place where you are mad happy with who you are and excited about the prospect of sharing your awesome life with someone before you go on those three dates!

Sarah was just burned by love and may not be able to come at dating with an open mind just yet. But she has a great idea here. If you’re not wildly in love with your life yet—if you’re not giddy about the person you are and certain that the right guy or girl will be lucky as hell to be with you—then find a way to fall in love with your life. Do fun things. Go to a museum. Read more. Knit. Box. Mountain climb. Dance. Learn Italian. Volunteer. Go out with your friends to places you’re not likely to meet someone (uh, senior citizens Bingo night, anyone?) so you don’t feel the pressure to work it.

Find a way to feel damn great about who you are and what’s coming down the pike in love and you’ll attract your half-orange faster, and be ready as ever for them when you meet.

Right? Is there anything you can think of that you could do this week that would make you feel happier with your life? What would make you feel so proud of you, you couldn’t wait to date a great person to tell them all about it?

You might also like:

8 Reasons to Go Out Tonight!

Big love,

Stand strong for the love you deserve! (Illo by: Amy Spencer)

You’ve been single for a while, and since you really really want to be in a relationship, you start to bargain with yourself. You think, “Maybe I could just settle for someone I like just enough” instead of waiting for one who will truly make your heart floweth over. Well, here’s the sign I’d post in that puddle of pessimism: No settling allowed!

As anyone who’s already read the preface to Meeting Your Half-Orange knows, I’m all about being picky.

(If you haven’t read it, click to read the excerpted pages “Are You Being Too Picky?” straight out of the book!)

To make it clear why I don’t think you should settle for “eh” when it comes to a lifetime love partner, here are 10 reasons why settling works against you. Don’t settle for love, because…

#1: …settling is a choice made from fear. Don’t choose a relationship because you’re afraid to be alone. Or because you’re afraid you won’t find someone better. Or because you’re afraid you’re not good enough to attract someone who’s nuts about the real, true you. Be strong, not scared! You’re a tough cookie and you know you’re meant for more, so don’t let fear make decisions for you. Trust in the good life can bring you.

#2: … passion is like a hot pepper in a good soup. In other words, it changes in flavor, but it doesn’t diminish. If you choose a relationship with a passion and attraction to the whole person (not just their looks), the rewards of that emotional attraction can still be there decades later. But choose a relationship without that emotional passion? You could end up with a soup with no flavor at all.

#3: …friendship marriages are different than deep, romantic ones. Yes, some people can commit to an arranged marriage and still stay together for the long run. But it can take years to develop any emotional zing—if ever they do at all. Relationships can offer so much more than someone who cleans the toilet or puts gas in the car every other time. You can have more if you want it.

#4: …love isn’t a business contract! I read a quote from a woman who says she feels okay that she settled for her partner since marriage, after all, is like “a mundane non-profit business.” A mundane non-profit business? Goodness, what kind of marriage is that? Personally, I prefer to be alone than spend time with people who don’t speak in some way to my heart. Don’t you? Marriage or your big relationship should be the same way! Let your heart have a say.

#5: …When the novelty of coupledom wears off, you’re stuck with each other! All day. All night. All weekend. All the time. Watching not just your favorite shows but theirs. Withstanding not just their acceptable habits, but their annoying ones, too. Do you want to spend all your quality time with someone you wouldn’t give your high-quality stamp of approval?

#6: …settling is a sign you’re pessimistic about your future. It says you think you’ll never meet someone who adores you, who’s healthy and right for you, and who you love wholeheartedly in return. Be a dating optimist! If you want to feel happy, challenged, smart, pretty, safe and attracted to your partner, you can. You first have to believe the right partner is out there for you, and then begin asking for him or her to come rolling on into your life.

#7: …you deserve more! If you want to feel amazing about yourself and feed your healthy self-esteem, you should partner with a wonderful, respectable person you’re madly attracted to in some special way. Settling with someone you don’t respect and adore is a way of diminishing yourself. You deserve someone as great in heart and soul as you are.

#8: …if you settle, there may come a day later in your life when you feel you’re missing something. Are you prepared to battle with that? Someday, when you see couples who seem to care deeply for each other in palm-sweating, butterfly-churning ways, do you want to think, “What have I done? I never had that…” or do you want to smile, hug your honey and say, “Love is amazing. We have that, too.”

#9: …you deserve a big, bad, wonderful love! Long-term commitments are marathons, not sprints. If you’re going to go the distance, you want someone next to you that makes the run worth doing—through the highs, the lows, the effort and the exhaustion. Give yourself the gift of a wonderful life for the whole long run.

#10: …if you’ve settled with a so-so someone, you won’t be open when your half-orange comes along! Your other half is so desperately hoping you’ll be open. Do yourself the favor of making sure you are. Don’t lie down into a relationship if it’s not going to make you stand up and shine. Celebrate yourself and the love you’re meant to have, and don’t settle for anything less!

While you’re at it, you should also read:
10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Being Single!
10 Things All Singles Must Do
8 Reasons to Go Out Tonight!

Big love,

Rachel (played by Lea Michele) knows what's special

Anyway, the show? Adorge. It’s an optimistic little story about some high-school outcasts with big hearts and beautiful voices (um, can we talk about the pipes on Amber Riley who plays Mercedes?!) who don’t get any respect from the sporty types at school. On this week’s “Acafellas” episode, the club hired a choreographer to create some contest-winning moves, but all he did was viciously call them various forms of useless. Just as they were about to quit, Rachel (who’d been told her nose was too big) stopped them with this:

“When Barbra Streisand was a young ingénue, they told her in order to be a star, she’d have to get a nose job. Thankfully, she refused . . . . Let’s face it. We’re never gonna be as good dancers as Vocal Adrenaline. We’re gonna win because…we’re different. And that’s what makes us special.”

It’s such a simple message, I know that. But I don’t think we can remind ourselves enough. We need to stop trying to fit into other people’s boxes once and for all—in work, in friendships, and in love. We may have spent our high school years trying to fit in, but real life is about standing out! You are unique and you are awesome, as is. And if someone isn’t into you, it’s not your problem, it’s theirs. I mean, really, if some fool can’t see how wonderful you are, then he or she loses the gift of getting to be with you, plain and simple. But don’t worry: your future partner is too smart a cookie to let you get away.

Remember, like the Glee girl said: We’re different. And that’s what makes us special.

You might also like:
Mad Men: More than Eye Candy
A Dating Lesson from Top Chef

Big love,

Can you find the upside to this?

Not that Brandon expected the attention, mind you. The first morning he went outside in public, he pulled on a pair of shorts and said, “Oh man, I’m so pale, do you think I’m going to look stupid?” We had to remind him, “Um, Brandon? They’re not gonna be looking at your legs….”

For many people, getting screwed into a halo would keep them home. Did it stop Brandon? Hells no! The first time I saw him, he was wobbling into a Hooters of all places, for wings and beer. He went on hikes, hit the beach, rode the ferris wheel and drank  champagne cocktails at my husband’s art party at a loft downtown all while wrapped up in goofy sweatshirts cut open to fit over his contraption. And you know what I saw? Girls flocking to him like moths to flame, mice to cheese, Mad Men characters to cigarettes.

Brandon didn’t feel a bit sorry for himself, and it made the people around him feel the same way. What women saw when they spoke to him was a guy with a zest for life, a great sense of humor, and a spirit that would not be squashed, not even under the weight of a 20-pound chunk of metal. Instead of groaning about his halo, he had girls put flowers in it! Instead of focusing on the outside, he looked at the upside.

Making the most of a bad situation (Image: AS)

Brandon’s healed and free of his halo now, but his story sticks with me. I know, for instance, I used to pity myself at times when I was single—over my dried up dating life or the crappy day I had or the people who didn’t call me back. (Clearly, I should have read 11 Ways Being Single Beats Being in a Relationship!) But then I’d look at people who keep a positive attitude through far worse experiences, and I was reminded that no matter what life doles out, it’s our job to find the upside within us. Our life is what we make of it from the inside. Your wonderful attitude is what’s going to bring you the happiness you seek and the love you’re looking for. So find the upside. There’s nothing more attractive than an unstoppable optimist!

You might also like:
WWJS: What Would Joan Say?

Big love,

If you're single, you have plenty to leap about!

If you want a relationship, I’m all for it, and I think you should focus on the one you want in order to bring it into your life. I just don’t think you should get so caught up in hoping for the future that you forget to enjoy the fantab life you have now! After all, when you’re single…

1. “One” squeezes in easier than two. The other night, my single friend went to a stadium concert alone, fifteen minutes before it started, to buy a ticket. “Just one?” the vendor asked. My friend was about to feel insulted when the vendor offered him the grand prize: one “band seat,” a solo give-away that hadn’t been given, just one eighth-row center spot for the show. The fact is, being a “we come in a pair” couple limits your access to certain things. Being single, you can skip ahead of the rollercoaster line and squeeze in ten cars earlier. You can go to a movie five minutes after it starts and step on some feet for the one chair in the middle. You can also get the last seat on an airplane and the last space at a group table in Benihana where the family’s birthday party you’ve joined comes free of charge.

2. You can schedule—or unschedule—your life however you choose. Mmmm, pizza for breakfast and cereal for dinner. A workout on a Saturday night and a matinée on Sunday morning. Or a day of doing nothing on the front porch. Yes, of course you can do all these things when you’re coupled up, but does your partner always want to do them with you? Having cereal for dinner may ruin the plans your partner had to grill a steak. Working out may interfere with the music show you promised you’d see. Singles don’t have a “Lemme check with…” life, which means  you can—and should!—break the rules for fun. 

3. You don’t have to make crucial TiVo choices. With most TiVo devices, you can only record two shows at a time—and you have to watch one of them. So what happens when a couple in a relationship wants to catch Paula’s Home Cooking, Project Runway and a game on ESPN? It means someone’s stuck catching the highlights online later. When you’re single, you get to pick your favorite shows every single time! And that means you fellas can watch Paula Deen whenever you want.

4. You get to have a first kiss. You only have one chance to make a first impression and one chance to kiss someone for the first time. Yes, some kisses turn out froggy, but some are—how you feeling—hot, hot, hot. Don’t underestimate the awesomeness of it.

5. You can try on all the hats you want. Yes, you should love who you are and change for no one. But sampling some other worlds is like the Quantum Leap of love. I dated a jazz musician who took me to smoky little clubs in my neighborhood I didn’t know existed, and a chef who took me to dinner at tasting tables with his friends at 1 a.m. One of my girlfriends spent a few fun months dating a sailor, and another got into mountain climbing through a man she met. Of course you can try new things when you’re married, but singles get to step into the shoes of interesting experiences without planning to, simply because each new date brings someone brand new! Try on all the hats you want before you get comfy in just one.

6. You don’t have to explain your friends. We all have some friends who fit the outskirts of our personality a bit—like the one who always ends up as a drunk pile of heavy at the end of the night but still makes us laugh, or the friend who talks so much, you can only take her in small doses or big crowds. When you’re single, you can hang with your peeps, no questions asked. In a relationship, however, you do have to take your partner’s feelings into account. “Hey let’s invite my friends for dinner,” you might say. “Wait, the drunk and the one who talks too much?” your partner might ask. “I just don’t know if I’m up for that, babe.” Friendships inevitably expand, change and pare down in unexpected ways when you’re in a relationship, so enjoy going whole hog as a single person with every last one of your wacky friends now.

7. You have more time to kick butt at work—or at play. Much of the compromise that people talk about in relationships comes from the time itself you devote to spending together. Of course, you should want to spend a lot of your time with your partner, and when a relationship is right, what you choose to do together doesn’t even feel like compromise. But the quality minutes you would spend with a partner are, when you’re single, like bonus minutes! When those minutes are all yours, you can use them to do even better at work, to travel, to learn a language, to brew beer, to make soap, to learn a skill you’ll never need just because you can. Not only does this lead to a really full life, but you get to impress every date you meet—I mean, how many other beet gardeners has your date met this week?

8. You’re more open to trying new things. Yes, some couples are all about adventure. But when it comes to day-in, day-out, Monday to Friday living, we start to like what we like, and want what we want. Take for example, the common dinner quandry.

The Question: “Are you up for Mexican or Italian or do you have another idea?”

The answer from someone who’s single:
“Ooh, I don’t know, they both sound good. I’ll try either one!”

The answer from someone in a well-worn couple:
“Oh man, I don’t know. Not that Italian place for sure, I don’t like the bread they have. I wish we had good Italian near us. I definitely don’t want to go to the Mexican place by your work, though. I guess I could do the take-out one. Or maybe we should do Thai? Or we could always just get Greek salads again. I don’t know, I’m so hungry I can’t even think. I wish there was a BBQ place that delivered…”

9. You get good at everything. In a good relationship, you split the responsibilities of life: You divvie up for example, who does dishes, who monitors the savings account, and who waters the plants, hangs the curtain rods or acts as the go-to bug killer. When you’re single, however, this is all yours: You pay all the bills, check your own car coolant, level your own shelves, cook your own dinners and navigate your own way. It’s tiring, sure, but it’s good for you! That’s why people who hop from one relationship to the next will often say, “I think I just need to be single for a while.” Being single gives you full control and full responsibility to make your life as full as you want it to be.

10. You sorta feel like going out more. Do you realize how much the world has to offer? I mean, geez, the films, the theater, the museums, the parties, the festivals, the food…. And when you’re single, the world is your oyster, and perhaps the place you’ll meet your half-orange! Couples can obviously do all these things, too, but sometimes, sigh, they just don’t feel like it. It’s why all those celebrities give quotes to Us Weekly saying, “We’re boring, we just like staying in and watching TV together.” It’s a natural progression in a loving relationship: You enjoy each others’ company so much, you may not reach for outside entertainment to fill in the blanks as often as you used to. So if you’re feeling like you just want to go go go, and do do do lots of new stuff as a single person go for it. Follow the lead of your energy before you become, you know, like one of those boring celebrities.

11. You don’t know what’s inside your present. There are two kinds of kids: The ones who sneak into their parents’ closet to see what they’re getting for the holiday, and the ones who like to be surprised. But you know who has more fun on Christmas morning? The ones who don’t know what’s inside the package until they tear off that wrapping paper. Love is similar. Couples already know what’s in their box; yes, it’s the best gift they ever got, and they hopefully appreciate it every single day. But they are missing one thing: they know what’s in that box. If you’re single and you don’t know who you’re getting? Embrace the excitement of the uncertainty. The relationship you’re going to get is still a surprise, and you can smile now knowing that when you unwrap it, you’re going to have one hell of a great day.

You might also like:
10 Things Never to Say to a Single Person

Big love,

I’m paraphrasing here, but what he said on that episode was essentially: “You can’t choose everything that happens to you, but you can choose how you respond to it.” In Michael’s case, he was talking about how he can’t control his Parkinson’s Disease, but he can control how he feels when he eats breakfast, or meets new people, or thinks about his condition. Well, in a much less physical way, you can think about your singleness and dating the same way.

No, you may not have “that someone” in your life right now, and you may not feel you can control that. (I beg to differ, and will tell you how to completely take back control in my book.) But one thing you can control right now is your attitude. You can control if you smile or not today, if you decide to go on that blind date or not, and if you decide to gain something positive from having drinks with a new guy…or not. The next time you feel helplessly bummed the heck out, look for a minute at what you can control. Your singleness is not a be-all, end-all. It’s a temporary state of being. So change how you feel about it today—just today—and realize that your happiness and future really is in your hands.

Big love,