Who's sharing the wise words now, Daniel-san?

This time, it’s coming from Ralph’s latest stint as city councilman Archie Rodriguez on Ugly Betty, who has been dating Betty’s sister Hilda (played so touchingly by Ana Ortiz).

Last week, Hilda finally came to terms with the fact that she’ll never see Archie as more than a really great guy. In fact, at one point in the episode, a salesperson at a department store mistakes Hilda for Archie’s wife, and she leaps to correct the woman with a big, “No! I’m not his wife.”

Soon after that, Archie bowed out of the relationship on his own because he knew he deserved more. This is what he said:

“I love you, Hilda. And, I know you care for me. But there’s someone out there who’s going to be thrilled to be mistaken for my wife. And I deserve to find that person and you deserve to find that person, too. I hoped it could be me, but since it isn’t, it’s time for me to say goodbye.”

How beautifully said. And how worth remembering. If a relationship isn’t working—or a crush isn’t turning into a relationship—remind yourself that it’s not getting you anywhere trying to force love to work. You deserve someone who is going to be thrilled to be at your side! Someone who will brag about you to his or her friends, ramble on about you to their co-workers, and love you like they can’t believe they’re lucky enough to get you. Don’t let yourself settle for anything less.

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Big love,

Don't take dealbreakers too far (Image: NBC.com)

On last night’s episode, Liz (played by the show’s creator Tina Fey) published a book called Dealbreakers: A Girl’s Guide to Shutting it Down. I laughed out loud, of course, at the ones on her list, like, “If your man is over thirty and still wears a nametag to work, that’s a dealbreaker!” and “If your man has seven cell phones but won’t give you any of their numbers, that’s a dealbreaker!” You can see more items on the list at NBC’s Dealbreakers site—and most are so far out there (“If your man appears on “To Catch a Predator” on Dateline, that’s a dealbreaker!”) we can’t help but agree. But I gotta say, as much as I love Liz Lemon, I don’t love all her dealbreakers.

Why? Put simply, if you’re focused on what’s not going to work in a relationship, then the negatives are all you’re going to see! Look at the subtitle of the book: a guide to shutting it down. Hilarious, of course, I get that. But in real life, haven’t you shut enough down? Your dates, your attitude, your heart, your hope? Think about opening up, instead. Open up to the possibility that perhaps the most perfect man for you—kind-hearted, supportive, sexy, driven and funny—just happens to want to “ride you home on his handlebars.” And guys, maybe the perfect woman—warm, beautiful, quirky and smart—just happens to “collect action figures.” Please: Don’t count people out of your life before they’ve even stepped into it.

Now I do think it’s important to look at your life in the big picture and make note of the big dealbreakers. If you desperately want a family and the man you’re dating doesn’t want children, yeah, that is a dealbreaker. If you’re a deeply religious person and the date you’re with is adamantly opposed to what you believe in, yeah, another dealbreaker. But when it comes to someone’s personality traits—to the food they eat, the movies they watch, the shoes they wear—these don’t define a whole person. And maybe what you thought was a dealbreaker at first will turn out to be something you can embrace as the lovable quirk in the person who’s so perfectly meant for you.

Enjoy the show, laugh at the book, and—as Liz Lemon says—”if your man has appeared on Maury to take a paternity test,” he’s probably not the right guy for you. But after you laugh your way through the episode and her “book,” stop looking for ways to shut it down, and start looking for ways to open up. Love likes to surprise us, remember. Let it.

But I’m also curious to hear what you think about Liz’s dealbreakers: Have you been burned by not having them? Are there some you’d never give in on? Or have you scrapped your list altogether?

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Big love and let me know,

The study, which was done by Richard Slatcher of UCLA, and published in the journal Personal Relationships eight months ago, said that women who use the word “I” more often in their instant messages actually report being more satisfied with their partners. 

Specifically, says LiveScience, the women who used the word “I” a lot were 30 percent more likely to stay in their relationships. 

Also, the more that women used what the researchers called “positive negations” like the term “not happy,” the less satisfied they were.

And the more that men used “positive sarcasm” like the term “oh, great,” the less satisfied they were in the relationship.

The researchers apparently used a “linguistic word count program” to analyze participating couples’ texts—and more of the nitty gritty of the data can be found at the LiveScience article, Instant Messages Reveal Relationship Health.

Hmm, what does this all say to me? That sometimes the words you use reveal how you feel in your relationship. But I also think that sometimes the words you use affect how your relationship feels. Maybe the happy women were using the “I” statements because that’s a very effective way to communicate with people on a heartfelt, honest level. Saying things like “I like you,” or “I’m nervous about meeting your friends,” or “I feel bad I threw your T-shirt out…I assumed it was a dish rag”—these are straightforward ways of communicating with a date or partner without hurting someone’s feelings. They’re also a way to express what you need and want to be happy within a relationship, rather than keeping quiet and gambling that you get it. (Remember: People can’t read minds, but we can read iPhone screens!)

My advice? Text how you feel and what you think. But also ask the person you’re writing to do the same thing. And, ultimately, between you both, try to use as many “we”s in your writing as you do “I”s. Really, two “I”s can become a “we” if you set your spellcheck up that way.

Big love and positive typing,

Friendship + something steamy = a great relationship!

With such divergent desires in life, how can you know what partner would be right for you? In fact, some days it begs an even bigger question: Who are you, really? Well, my answer to you is this: You’re the person you are when you hang out with your best friend—the person who represents what I like to call, “The Coffee Test.”

I’m talking about your main BFF—the one friend doesn’t mind if you pick up a dropped piece of pizza cheese off the table and eat it. The friend you’re not embarrassed to say, “Ooh, stop!” as they scroll past a cheesy movie with the TV remote. No judgments, no masks, no hard work.

Think about how relaxed you are with your best friend. How you can roll out of bed some grumbling Saturday morning, put on some sweats, and meet up at a coffee shop where you’ll share a few funny recaps—or maybe just a few grunts. That calm, laid-back easygoing version of you in the coffee shop? That’s how you want to feel when you’re sitting across from the love of your life.

Because really, why get yourself into a relationship in which you’ll have to exert extra effort pretending that you’re funnier or more outgoing or less chatty or needier more well-spoken or more cool or fabulous than you are in your everyday life?

Yes, we all have different aspects to us depending on the hour. But the fact is this: You want a relationship in which you are the best, happiest, more chilled out, normal, calm you you can be. And the person you are when you’re chilling in a coffee shop blowing on your latte so you don’t get fuzzy tongue? That’s the version of yourself you should be showing the world most. Give yourself “the coffee test” with your best pal to see what you’re really like in your own, relaxed happy skin. You may get a jolt of understanding with your espresso.

Big love,

And as with most lowbrow entertainment, I can’t help but find high levels of wisdom buried within. I suppose you could call it justification for my viewing habits. (Actually…I call it that.) Well then, let’s justify some reality TV by showing the four lessons we can learn from this week’s episode of Flipping Out!

Jeff got giddy about his first "date" (from BravoTV.com)

Lesson #1: Sometimes it takes two dates to know if you click. When Jeff went to meet with a client considering him for a redesign project, he compared the experience to dating: “I don’t want to go on three dates and then you decide you don’t want to date me anymore,” said Jeff. “Like, I want you to know on the first date that I’m somebody you want to see for the long-term.”

In theory, heck yeah, I’m with you. Why get dragged through long pointless dates if one of you knows it’s just not right? But the truth is, sometimes we’re off our game on the first date. Sometimes we’re caught up in the awkwardness and nervousness. Sometimes you don’t get deep enough to get to the crucial heart of the person you’re with after twenty-odd minutes of small talk. Jeff was already sold on them (well, the clients were going to pay him after all), but the clients wanted a second date. So he reluctantly went. In his case it worked out. In real life, second chances can make all the difference, too!

Jenni got her happy on (from BravoTV.com)

Lesson #2: It’s okay to get really excited—and really sad—about being single. Jenni, Jeff’s newly divorced assistant (and co-star, really), is on a new quest this season: for love. And this week, she had some big highs and big lows. First, there were moments of laugh-y excitement about a potential set-up. Later in the show, she was let down when it didn’t go through, and had a soggy-eyed moment as she helped taste-test someone else’s wedding cake. (Ugh, right?) But Jenni’s doing it right on both counts, because looking for love is like a magnified version of life: Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down, but the important thing is that you feel passionately on both sides of the spectrum. It takes heart to find love, so let yourself feel it all!

Lesson #3: If you plan for failure, you’ll get it. A new character this season is Rachel, a years-old friend of Jeff’s now working as his second assistant. But things aren’t looking like she’ll be able to handle much more of the job, and she blames Jeff’s keen eye for flaws—i.e. she feels that Jeff keeps his eyes peeled for what is going wrong, which brings the wrong out. “I feel like you’re almost set up to fail with that sort of thing,” said Rachel.“Something’s bound to go wrong, especially if someone’s gunning for something to go wrong. When you ask for mistakes or when you assume there will be, there usually will be.”

She’s really onto something, so listen up! It’s kind of like when you’re driving and you point to something on the side of the road…and then realize you’re accidentally steering right toward it? In life, we can’t help but follow our focus. If all you see at the finish line is failure, you’ll run right through the rope. Ta-daaaa, you lose! So if you want to win, you have to see success at the end of the road.

Lesson #4: Brown-er salsa is better than the regular red kind. It really is, you know. Jeff threw a minor fit that Rachel only brought home four brown salsas from Baja Fresh instead of ten, and I know why. The brown salsa is the best kind! Not just at Baja Fresh, but anywhere. I think they add some smoked peppers in those, or more pepper maybe. But Jeff’s right. Always get extra brown salsa. If nothing else, that’ll make you smile.

Big love,

My question to you is this: Is this how you want to feel in a relationship? Waking up every morning unsure about whether the guy in your life is going to like you today or not? We all deserve relationships in which we feel strong, respected, adored, and loved. Is that what this relationship is giving you? Here’s my recommendation on this guy: Cut the leash! Turn off his “hot and cold” taps for good and walk away. Start thinking about what you really want: a guy who is consistently running warm for you. And, of course, some good hot stuff thrown in when you want it.

So I guess I have a question for you now: Why would you want to “get” a guy to like you? Don’t you just want him liking you for who you are without having to do anything at all? Dear daters, what do you think Diane should do?